Year in review and some projections

I can't believe it's already December 30.

{Happy Birthday, brother. You will always be older than me. And 99% of the time, wiser too.}

It wasn't long after this day last year that I woke up, in the middle of the night, and shook The Chief and told him I thought I was preggers. No lie. Middle of the night, totally knew I was pregnant. He thought I had totally lost my mind and blew me off COMPLETELY. So much so I totally blew off myself. I ignored, kept drinking and went about my biz for a couple of weeks. Gasp?!

January 14 came along. I had dinner with a dear friend. Drank a couple and came home and ALMOST opened another bottle. Actually, I did open the bottle, poured myself another and then took a testie. I'm sure you're all shocked to know this wasn't my first rodeo in the EPT department. Nope. The Chief and I have been down this road before. The difference this time was we were "ready" or as "ready" as we thought we'd ever be. Still...to look down and see that little indicator tell you that YOU. ARE. PREGNANT is quite freakish. Ready or not.

Heart. Stops. Beating.

OHHOLYSHIT. I'M REALLY NOT AT ALL READY. I TAKE IT ALL BACK. Those were the words FLYING through my head.

I thought it would be more like the Hallmark cards and such a sweet, sweet moment. It was so damn awkward. Clinton Edward was about as sweet and excited as they come.
But his life didn't come to a screeching halt at that very moment. It wasn't quite real for him until much, much later. For the woman, the momma....it's RIGHT. THAT. SECOND. Brain is working, thinking, planning, plotting for two. No more careless, carefree, ride by the seat of my pants kinda life. Nope. Put the wine, the social smoking, the late nights, the friendships, the fun all to the side. Was I mature enough for all of this crazy talk? Well, appeared I must be!

{This was a majorly carefree night in Venice. My, my, my...the fun we had that night. To-go wines for 1 euro. Thank GOD I wasn't pregnant is all I can say for that night!}

I had gone to see my doctor in November and told her we had hoped to be on this path sometime in the spring. When I showed back up pregnant in February she laughed. I believe her comment was, "That didn't take long." Nope, didn't seem to take long at all and for that I am so very, very thankful. At first, it seems like those months are going to creep by. It felt like I was just fighting through that first trimester. And now looking back, that time flew by. The time I spent with my little bug {my nephew} just disappeared. I left him when he was just 10 months. Now he's walking, talking and a full-on big boy. And I think he kinda looks like me, eh?!

He was such a trooper those months I nannied for him. We shopped for fabric. We bought girlie outfits. We ate cupcakes and drove through McDonalds drive-thru for cookies. It was quite the life. For both of us. I loved him like he was my own. I still do, but have been too sidetracked to help him remember those days.

The truth be told, I was so scared those months I was pregnant. I didn't have a clue how I would handle and raise a little child. I really didn't even know how I was going to make it through labor.

I made it past that part and didn't know how I would make it past the first week at home. And all these little milestones came and went. The Chief and I would high-five every once in a while in the kitchen grabbing some espresso. We could hardly believe we made it. Each Sunday was a "birthday" for Jules. In disbelief we would say "OH MY GOSH, I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S xx WEEKS OLD!!!!!". Almost like we didn't believe we could take care of a little person to that point. The doubt we had in ourselves!

The crazy thing about being pregnant at the first of the year is that your year starts off that way and the projection for the rest of the year is surrounded by such. I kept thinking that if I could make it to the holidays then we'd maybe know what we were doing and have a clue. Well, as 2011 quickly approaches it's occurred to me that I haven't given the new year a single thought. I had zero expectations past this point. Now that I have a healthy, precious daughter that I think is thriving, surviving and actually enjoying her placement in life...what's next? It's all gravy from here, right?! {And maybe a sweet beach trip for my 30th!}

Coming next? A lot of me, my little family and our happiness. I have found that having a child is a wonderful experience for your family, but not for everyone around you. It's a game changer. It's a friendship changer and that's okay. That was a hard one to accept, but I'm doing my best. I have some dear friends that haven't skipped a beat and for that I am thankful. I have some that have distanced and I understand. Funny thing is, we all go through stages of life at different times. It all becomes clear once you get to that stage, but before it's hard to comprehend. Bottom line, I'm tired. It's been quite year. I have been busy trying to keep up with friends, raising a child, waking up in the middle of the night, talking to my husband about his life outside of this house and pretending like I have it all together. So, in the new year...if you need me or want to hang out, you know where to find me. Despite having a little one, I can still be a pretty damn good time. Even drink an obscene amount and stay up late. Crazier even, I can get a babysitter. Crazy, huh!? These two people below still exist. I've seen them. And it's been recent! We love our little tyke but she's not defining to our being.

This year there aren't any actual "resolutions". Just doing what feels good and makes me happy. I wish the same for you! Really. Put yourself around the people that make you feel good and make you happy. Beyond that...it's not worth it.

Happy 2011!