Why?

Life is starting to move very quickly. So fast, in fact, that I think my child looks bigger every day. I'm not exaggerating. She's a full-fledged big girl. The baby stage is gone. Long gone, actually. It's really starting to scare me. That to say, this blog is sometimes the last thing on my to-do list, and it just flat-out gets neglected. I'm sorry. I guess if I were making sponsorship money maybe I would make it a priority. So, hopefully you come here to check on new pictures and see what's happening and you're not too terribly disappointed when nothing has been updated. I'm slowing getting organized for a birthday party post. It's only 8 weeks late.

The thing that weighs heavily on me today is the loss of a pregnancy or better suited the loss of a baby. I have had four very close people to me lose a baby in the last few months. One of which was very newly pregnant and three were very far along. Although the ones that are farther along certainly face challenges and grief that others don't, but I think from the first night you lay in bed and know you're pregnant losing that baby would be beyond painful.

These aren't friends of friends, facebook friends or people I know through blogs. These are all people that are near and dear to me. Real life people. One I've known my whole life, and two I have known for close to 25 years and the third for close to a decade. The constant question is always "WHY". Why do these women have to face this tragedy? Why do they have to explain to their older children that the baby died and is going to heaven and not home to live with their family? Why them and not the crack addict that hasn't taken care of her body or have means to take care of a child?

I always end up chalking it up to "the bigger plan". That's all my brain can work with. There's no explanation for adversity in life, other than it's all apart of the path that God has made for you. Although sometimes I think that answer just sucks. That word isn't the nicest of words or very lady-like, and I'm sure my mom isn't thrilled with that selection but there's not a lot of options in this case. It sucks. It's a shitty hand.

It scares me. Selfishly, it scares me for the thought of another pregnancy and healthy child. When will my luck run dry? That's certainly not the way I should view it, but when you look at statistics, at what point are you the next one up? I need the faith that if it's my lot in life then it is. I will handle it and grow and learn and move forward. But I'd kick and scream the whole way.

I once heard that fear is a waste of time. If I spent the number of hours praying that I do fearing something bad will happen I would be in a much better place. I'm trying to absorb that. I've lost more sleep worrying about a child that I'm not pregnant with. That is just flat silly. I guess if we knew it all and mastered it all then the time here would be expired.

So I leave you today without pictures, but to ask you to do something for me. I don't normally ask this of people and am a bit private about this section of my life, but I ask you to pray. I ask you to pray for my loved ones that they find comfort in knowing that sometimes there is no answer to the why. Pray that they find peace in events that have happened in their life. And pray they can find positive in a horrible situation and share their story with others for whom they can help. One of my friends that I'm talking about said yesterday, we find comfort in comforting others. And I think that is absolutely true. Thank God for your friends, your family and your healthy babies. We can't do it alone.

I also have a couple of grandmothers that are close to my heart that are very sick. Pray for them too. Pray that their families find peace and comfort in their special memories and lots of wonderful years of wisdom that they were able to share. If you've made it to being a grandmother and great-grandmother I think it's safe to say "job well done!" And for that let's all hope there is a big reward on the flip-side.....something in a pearly, golden gate!

I hope to be back very soon with more uplifting, happy and joyous posts!